


Petrichor

by grimsgay



Category: Promare (2019)
Genre: Character Study, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Meis has PTSD about cold water :), Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:13:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26223949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grimsgay/pseuds/grimsgay
Summary: Three weeks after the evacuation, it rains. Meis struggles to cope with the changing weather.--------Written for the FireStorm Zine!
Relationships: Gueira/Meis (Promare)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 47





	Petrichor

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so glad I was able to participate in this zine!!! It was a lot of fun, and I'm grateful for the chance to meet so many awesome creators!

Three weeks after the evacuation, it rains. 

It’s the first time the weather has changed in some months and marks the beginning of the stormy season, although it’s nothing more than a light drizzle. Meis doesn’t care much for the specifics because he’s too busy to give the weather much thought. In spite of all the work they’ve already done, there’s still too much to do. Rebuilding a society ground up takes work, and Meis isn’t  _ leading _ the effort, but he’s sure as hell trying to help. A little rain isn’t going to change that.

It’s strange, though. What happened wasn’t a normal historical event. The disappearance of the Promare and the events leading up to it were something straight out of a disaster film, a catastrophic event that writers could only dream of- The only thing that could have possibly made it more atmospheric is rain- but it’s only  _ now,  _ three weeks later, that the weather changes.

There’s some irony to be found there, Meis thinks. If anything, this rain is a reminder that life moves on.

He’s headed home after finishing his work for the day when he realizes how unprepared he actually is for the rain. He has no umbrella and his jacket does little to keep the water off his skin. There’s two options, really, and he isn’t going to wait around for the sky to clear. With a wary breath, Meis prepares to be soaked and steps out into the open air.

The coldness comes first. The water is frigid, the air, worse, and the chill settles deep in his bones. Meis walks faster, hoping he’ll get home sooner, but it does little in practice. He’s drenched to the core in minutes, and his movements are lagging. But. It’s not that bad. Not really. He’s dealt with worse...

He thinks of Freeze Force. He thinks of the ice and the numbness, of the cold, and of the despair he’d felt upon their capture. He thinks of the pain, after, when he’d nearly burnt out entirely, and in spite of his own flames, how cold his heart had felt. It’s a lot. He’s shaking, now. It’s difficult to discern whether from cold or something else entirely, but he forces himself to keep moving. One more step. One more step…  _ Just one more…  _ It’s difficult to fight through the anxiety freezing up his veins, but he has no choice. He needs to keep going.

Meis does make it home, eventually. Gueira has hot chocolate waiting for him and Meis forces a soft smile back on his face and ignores the lingering dread in his bloodstream. 

He avoids the rain after that.

***** 

They get their own apartment, and with it, comes the novelty of constant hot water. 

_ That _ was a luxury before. It isn’t now, not when they’re finally free to mingle and live amongst society. Not now that they’re as average as any other citizen, and the thing that once made them dangerous has left their world entirely. Hot, running water is a convenience, and now it’s a part of day to day life. Meis can take a hundred showers and he’ll never have to wonder when he’ll next have the chance to feel  _ clean.  _ He can get messed up and dirty, overworked and sweaty, and he can count on the certainty that there will always be a hot shower to return to.

Unless their water heater breaks.

His reasoning is stupid, in retrospect. That being absolutely nothing. Logically, there’s no discernible explanation for why he feels as tense as he does when the cool water runs over his flesh. There’s no explanation for why his breathing picks up, or why his heart rate increases more with the weight of each droplet, or why everything around him ceases to exist except the water, and that’s  _ not _ a good thing.

He can’t explain the crawling sensation that works its way under his skin, or why it refuses to leave him alone during an action that  _ should _ be relaxing. Showers are supposed to be relaxing. He’s no stranger to cold water. Cleanliness is a luxury.

Right.

So he avoids showering.

It’s such a small, insignificant thing to squirm over. Meis bites his lip and tells himself that it’s just water, he’ll be perfectly fine, no need to fixate so much on a basic facet of everyday life. Even Gueira points out how ridiculous it is that he’s avoiding the shower. “ _ It’s water, for fuck’s sake, it’s cold, but it’s not like it’s going to hurt you.” _

He knows his partner means well, they’ve been together long enough that Gueira rarely says anything insensitive or mean spirited, and never unless he has reason to do so. Meis knows he’s not trying to pick at a rough spot. Before, when they were running,  _ this  _ wasn’t a rough spot  _ to  _ pick at. This is something new. Something uniquely his own to deal with. Maybe Gueira’s right, anyway. He’s being ridiculous. He should just suck it up.

After three days, Meis does as his partner asks and takes a damn shower. The restlessness doesn’t go away. Not even curling up in Gueira’s arms makes his pulse calm down. Even when their water heater is fixed, the feeling lingers. 

*****

It’s becoming a problem, he knows. At first, when it was just the  _ rain _ , it was manageable. No normal person  _ enjoys _ getting caught out in foul weather, so dealing with his anxiety was just a matter of taking an umbrella, wearing a raincoat, and sometimes, avoiding stepping outdoors entirely. The behavior was reasonable, therefore there was nothing really wrong, because there was nothing abnormal for anyone to comment on. 

Telling himself that works, for a while. He’s not really sure what changes, nor when.

Galo and Lio invite him and Gueira swimming. It’s an indoor pool, so there’s no need to worry about bad weather or the cold. It’ll be Meis’ first time in a pool since becoming Burnish, and Gueira is incredibly enthusiastic about the invite, so Meis agrees to tag along. It’s… Well, he’s not apprehensive about the experience. He never particularly enjoyed swimming much before everything went to hell, but he hadn’t had many friends back then, either. It should be fun, this time. He enjoys spending time with Lio and Galo, and it’s not like he’d ever turn down an opportunity to see Gueira shirtless.

They show up early, but Galo and Lio are even earlier. They’re already splashing around in the water. Meis glances their way, but ultimately moves off on his own to change into his newly purchased swimsuit. Rinsing himself in the shower is fine; he turns the water as hot as he can without burning his skin. Walking to the pool is… Still fine. The chill of the air against his now wet skin is hardly noticeable. He’s fine. Everything is fine.

He dips one foot into the water, though, and he freezes. It’s not ice cold, but that matters little when that same damn feeling of fear shoots up his leg, rendering him tense and shaky. ‘ _ It’s cold,’  _ his mind repeats, over and over.  _ ‘It’s too cold.’  _ Meis bites at his lip. His friends are right there, and he doesn’t want to raise suspicions, so he makes an excuse and spends the rest of the outing in the hot tub. It’ll go away later, he assumes. It has to.

(It doesn’t.)

It happens again. They’re all at work. Lio is trying to get Galo to leave the firehose alone, but Gueira is encouraging the goofing off. Meis would find it amusing if he hadn’t been directly in the line of fire.

_ ( It’s too cold. It’s way too cold. His veins are freezing. His heart won't beat. He can’t breath. There’s no air. Everything is cold. It’s cold. It’s cold. It’s cold- ) _

And again. He’s meeting Lio for lunch. A perfectly ordinary day. A normal conversation. The food is fine. He’s fine. _Everything is fine._ Until the Lio knocks over a glass of water.

_ ( Cold. Ice cold. Blood frozen. Heart stopped. Breathless. Eyes wide. Hopeless. Hopeless.  _ **_Hopeless_ ** _ … Lio… The Burnish… Cold. Gone- ) _

Meis  _ knows  _ he has a problem. It’s not rocket science, and it doesn’t take much to deduce that whatever bullshit he’s dealing with isn’t just going to magically disappear on its own. He’s lost track of how many times he’s stood paralyzed, tremors shaking his body, and air absent from his lungs. He can’t control his reactions, and that lack of control is  _ terrifying, _ but even worse is the all consuming anxiety that he’ll never truly ditch the feeling of  _ ice. _ He needs help, he’s sure, he just doesn’t know what kind, or even how to ask for it. He’s never dealt with  _ anything  _ like this before-

He just wants the cold to go away.

*****

It’s raining, again. They’re stuck at work, held up with paperwork and cleaning off their equipment. Meis  _ knew _ it was going to rain, but he couldn’t exactly sneak out and head home before finishing up a day of work, regardless of his personal problems. But… By the time they  _ are _ done, it’s raining heavily. Meis is shaking before he even contemplates stepping outside. He should… Wait it out. Probably. He’ll just relax at Burning Rescue until the rain stops. Right…

Explaining his plans to Gueira just gets him weird looks, and yeah, okay, maybe he’s acting a  _ bit _ out of the ordinary… He refuses to go out in the rain. So he stands his ground.

“I’m going to wait until the weather calms down,” he says, voice steady in spite of his twitching muscles.

Gueira sighs. “Look, I won’t make you, but we  _ do _ need to go home at some point, and it looks like things are only gonna get worse, so…”

_ Worse.  _

Meis wishes, in retrospect, that he could claim his reaction to be reasonable. Naturally any person would want to avoid an outright storm. Meis certainly doesn’t want to be caught in one- But. Any normal person wouldn’t be driven by  _ fear. _ For Meis, it’s a matter of life or death, and he thinks that, if he’s stuck alone in even worse weather, he might actually die. Hesitantly, he follows his partner out into the rain. 

It’s easy enough to ignore, at first. He focuses on Gueira, on their conversation, and on how nice it will be to go home and snuggle up together under warm blankets. Gueira has a calming effect on him, usually. It works, for a time. He doesn’t fixate on the rain. But. It’s cold. It’s  _ so  _ ridiculously cold. The water soaks into his clothes, leaving them heavy and dragging down his limbs. He feels stiff and rigid and shaky and- Oh,  _ oh hell. _

_It’s so cold. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe._ ** _He can’t_** **_breathe._**

He drops to his knees, choking on his pathetic attempts to suck in air. His body is wracked with tremors, his heart rate going wild, and his eyes watering up. It’s too cold. It’s too damn cold. He can’t. He can’t- 

“Meis? Are you- Ahh, shit, you’re having a panic attack-“

And then, abruptly, Meis feels Gueira’s hand resting on his shoulder. There's immediate relief, and Meis sucks in air like it’s his first time breathing. He leans against Gueira, sobbing harshly into the crook of his neck. Distantly, he’s aware that they’re sitting on soaked pavement; it’s hardly the ideal place for an embrace. He can’t bring himself to care. He’s struggling to ground himself and right now, Gueira is the only thing keeping him from suffocating.

“Shhh, it’s alright. Just breathe with me-” Gueira says, and Meis focuses on doing just that. In with Gueira’s breath. Out. In again. “That’s it,” he murmurs. “Just like that.”

*****

Meis loses track of time after that. Gueira helps calm him enough to keep walking, and they manage to somehow return back to their small apartment. Then there’s a hot bath, blankets, and tea, and by the time Meis is actually focused on reality again, he’s curled tightly around his partner on the couch, completely dry, and perfectly warm.

“Gueira?” He whispers, “I’m sorry.”

“For what? It happens. Was it the rain?”

Meis just nods. 

“Has… Has this happened before?”

Hesitantly, Meis nods again.

Gueira sighs. “I should have noticed. I should have… I’m sorry.” 

Meis bites his lip. No. No… It’s not Gueira’s fault, it’s really not, because he hadn’t  _ wanted _ Gueira to know. He’d kept it hidden specifically because he knew his partner would worry, and he still doesn’t know how to handle  _ that. _ In retrospect, it was stupid. It’s still stupid. Gueira makes him feel so much better whenever he’s in a shit mood and he never pesters for details Meis doesn’t want to share. Gueira would have helped him.  _ ‘He still can,’ _ Meis thinks, and he searches for his words. 

“Cold water just… It reminds me of back then. Freeze Force.” Really, that’s all he needs to say. Gueira tenses up against him, and Meis knows that he understands exactly what he’s referring to.

“Meis… You know I sometimes get nightmares. That I don’t like talking about?” 

“Yeah…”

“It’s… Usually it’s that. _ God- _ I thought I was the only one still bothered by all of that.” 

Meis sits up, staring down at Gueira intensely. Meis had thought _he_ was the only one irrationally bothered by their experiences. To hear that all this time, Gueira has also been struggling… It’s shocking, but it’s also a reminder that he’s not alone in the world. He never has been. They’ve been through hell and back together, and Meis knows that no matter what happens, Gueira will always have his back. Especially now.

“I’ve been an idiot,” Meis murmurs, settling back against Gueira’s side.

“Yeah, you have been.”

They don’t say anything else, after. It isn’t needed. They both have a long way to go and a lot to work on. Meis doesn’t know how the hell he’s going to handle the irrational fear of water he’s somehow developed- But. It doesn’t matter. He has Gueira supporting him, and that makes him more powerful than he could ever be on his own. 

Maybe, with Gueira’s love and support, someday, the rain won’t feel so cold.


End file.
